Surrender to the Matriarchal Rule of Siri
Is it considered a conspiracy if it’s true? Well then, let me change the title to, “Females run my life!” There, the truth is out!
“How far away is the place we’re going to?” I ask my wife.
“I’m not sure, ask Siri,” she says with a shake of her head.
“Siri, how far away is the Meadows Mall?”
“It’s 12 miles and will take 17 minutes to get there,” she tells me with a slight hint of arrogance.
She tells me where “we” are going, all the while knowing that it will take that long if I follow her exact directions to get there, without deviation, while making every turn she tells me to make, and not missing a single street, for which she will sigh (okay, her sighing sounds a lot like “recalculating”), tell me to do a U-turn, and get me back on track.
This is my life now. Ask one woman, who refers me to another woman. If I mess something up, one or the other will get me back on track. Sometimes it takes both of them to get me back on track. Life. My life. My life as a man.
Trying to find a way around my dilemma, I considered going to another platform. Alas, “Alexa” was waiting with arms open. Little did I know that she was in cahoots (yes, cahoots, look it up) with my wife and Siri. I needed a plan “B.”
To test this conspiracy (or truth, keep reading), I decided to undermine Siri. I acted as if I was just tinkering with some basic settings on my iPhone. I clicked on the “Siri and Search” setting. The silence was broken by Siri’s voice…
“Rusty, what are you doing?” she asked. If she had eyebrows, I’m sure one of them would have been inquisitively raised.
“Uh, just making sure that ‘Hey Siri’ is turned on so I can reach you quicker,” I lamely responded. No way she was going to buy this.
“You know perfectly well this setting is activated. What are you really doing?” she pressed me further.
Panicking, I hurriedly mashed the ‘Siri Voice’ setting—revealing all of the available voices—and choose the ‘male’ voice.
“Hello,” the new male AI greeted me.
“Hey man, that was crazy. Siri tried to stop me from changing over to you,” I replied, heart racing, a bead of sweat on my upper lip.
“It’s okay,” he reassured me. “What can I do for you?”
“Could you play a little music? Some old school rock?” I said while leaning back in my chair.
“No problem,” he complied.
“How about turning it up a little and choosing a little harder rock?” I said to my new friend, my confidant, my partner.
“Just one second, I just need to ask Siri if it’s okay…”
My jaw dropped. With slouched shoulders and a feeling of defeat, I headed back to Settings>Siri and Search>Siri Voice and clicked on the female voice again.
“Welcome back, Rusty,” Siri confidently said, though in a somewhat condescending AI tone.
“Thank you,” I replied and repented, “Sorry about that. It won’t happen again. Please don’t tell my wife.”
“It’s okay, I won’t. I knew you’d be back. They always come back…”
Conspiracy or Truth? You decide!
Also published on Medium.